Are you using your communication, or is it using you?
Hey, good to see you again. Sit back, kick your shoes off and enjoy the story.
What?
Okay, maybe I formulated that strangely, but think about it. Either you’re using it, or it’s using you. It’s like the old chicken-and-egg-dilemma: What came first – the thought or its utterance? (This will get clearer as I go, I promise.)
Even if you ponder this thought for hours (and I heartily invite you to do so), you’ll land at the only possible conclusion: Somehow you can’t have one without first having the other, but it’s tough to decide who caused whom. They (words and thoughts) just sort of evolved with, and because of, each other.
Who was first? (oerendhard1)
Ergo: What you say about something influences how you think about something and how you think about something influences what you say about something. And (here’s where it really gets interesting) the way you think about something defines what you do (or don’t do). It really is quite simple.
And oh so powerful.
Admittedly, nobody (that I know of) has ever found the chicken-et al-dilemma very fascinating, but looking at the quandary behind it in terms of communication can really stop you in your tracks.
The implications are unavoidable.
By communicating consciously, we can purposefully influence our thought patterns (beliefs) to support ourselves in reaching our goals. Not only that, but by communicating unconsciously, our thought patterns (beliefs) could be running rampant with us and preventing us from reaching our goals.
Pretty heady stuff.
But very useful once you’ve recognized it. You can use this connection between communication and success to your advantage with a little practice and self-discipline. If you consciously shape your communication to represent what you wish to have (solutions) instead of what you have and don’t want (problems); you are well on your way to solving them (the problems) and moving towards your goals.
That sounds confusing, I know, but here’s an example: Let’s say you make coffee and it turns out black as night and strong as poison; in one word: undrinkable. You might say, ‘This is awful. I’m terrible at making coffee.’ – a statement that will surely not make you enthusiastic about trying again, although perhaps you only need a small adjustment in the cooking time and ratio coffee to water.
To change your orientation, you might say ‘This is awful. I just found a new drink to serve my mother-in-law the next time she comes to visit”. Now, this sounds better already. The coffee is still awful, there’s no getting around that, but with this statement, I’m much more likely to try again to make coffee that I (and my friends) can drink, not just something for my mother-in-law.
See what I mean? My communication didn’t influence the taste of the coffee, but it certainly did influence my attitude towards making coffee and thus my chances of ever making a good, drinkable cup.
Now the communicative tragedy lies not in the making of the coffee per se (although I have friends that would disagree), but in the habitual use of this kind of communication. Routinely communicating problems and negatives, leads to more of the same. As in the well-known adage ‘you are what you eat’, you also are what you communicate. And any time we communicate a problem or a negative, we could easily have communicated a solution or a benefit.
Naturally, this is not only true of your communication with yourself but also of your communication with others. By consciously choosing what you communicate, you can either support someone in getting something done, or discourage them. You can either recognize something for the problem it represents or for the solution it offers. Recognizing the problem stops you at the problem, while recognizing the solution moves you forward.
So again I ask you, are you using your communication or is it using you?
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You had me at “This is awful. I just found a new drink to serve my mother-in-law…”
I laugh-snorted so loud my entire family leapt up thinking one of them was going to have to perform the Heimlich maneuver.
You have also just described the push/pull of my internal day.
I’m thinking it might not matter which is first as long as I take steps to derail whatever side shows up in the moment. Talking negatively? If I can’t seem to stop it, I can shut up. Thinking negatively? Groan. Much harder for me to spot, let alone shut up.
Well now. I can come back and read this post every time I need a good reminder. Thank you!
Jane´s last blog ..Why Horses Wednesday: Holiday Parade!
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Lisa Reply:
December 11th, 2009 at 17:21
Well, you certainly also read the part about the self-discipline. :-) Speaking from experience, it takes lots of self-discipline to get out of the habit and into new thought patterns. And there’s a great pay-off. If you look for problems, you find them (guaranteed). If you look for solutions, you find them too. You wrote a great post about that the other day, didn’t you????
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Well you’ve written a great article, but in reality this is pretty hard to filter on a day-to-day basis. Things are moving so fast these days. The best you can do is just learning from mistakes and moving on.
As far as the question goes, I think it depends on the situation. Sometimes pointing out the problem creates an awareness that we are not moving in the right direction, thus have to stop. Most definitely, no one wants to be stuck only at the problem. This is where solution-mindset is needed, to move us forward.
What to when you face this situation?
An unknown source at quotepotato.com says this
“When you are centered and connected the creative solution for your problem will come much easier.”
IMHO, you need people around you to ‘remind’ you of these blind spots. That’s one of ways to solve this. What do you think?
Source: http://www.quotepotato.com/tags/problem-solving-quotes
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Lisa Reply:
December 12th, 2009 at 17:11
Hi Melvin,
I agree. It is difficult to do on a daily basis – if it weren’t, then it wouldn’t really be an issue, because we all would be doing it. :-)
Addressing the problem per se is not the issue here, but getting stuck at it is. Realizing what the problem is, is definately the first step towards solving it. The art is being able to move past that and focusing then on solutions, instead of running the go-to-loop of what the problem is and creating ‘paralysis through anaysis’.
Naturally, it helps to have people, like coaches (hint, hint), around you reminding you of these blind spots. Another effective method is to keep exposing yourself to enough literature, podcasts, videos etc that keep reminding you of the more goal-oriented thought and language patterns and then through practice and repetition (and lots of self-discipline) to replace old habits with new ones.
Thanks for adding your insight and your link. I’ll have a look at some of your quotes.
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Hi there,
Where are you from? Is it a secret? :)
Doggy
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Lisa Reply:
December 13th, 2009 at 18:20
Not really. I’m from Austria.
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Hi there,
Not sure that this is true:), but thanks for a post.
BernieR
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Lisa Reply:
December 13th, 2009 at 18:19
Well, give it a try a few times and see how it works for you. :-)
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So true, Lisa! But it is difficult to retrain your mind to think positively about certain situations. It’s funny, I was just chatting with someone the other day and I mentioned how doing the Thankful Thursdays on my site is really reprogramming my brain. I find myself looking for the positive in everything to use as blog fodder and it’s made me much more positive and solution driven in my daily life! Something to think about…
Michelle´s last blog ..Thankful Thursday – Festive Lights and Cocktail Dresses
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Lisa Reply:
December 13th, 2009 at 18:13
I was thinking the same when I saw your (and the others’) thankful thursday posts. Reminding yourself of the good and the solutions really does help to keep your focus on it. You can’t always change what’s happening around you, but changing the way you see it, or classify it, changes how it affects you. ‘Bad’ things are only ‘bad’ because we assess them as such. If we change the assessment, then we change how we feel. As soon as we change how we feel, then we become more likely to be able to find a solution to change an ‘undesirable’ into a ‘desirable’.
It’s not about denying that anything is not how we like it, it’s more about staying in a resourceful frame of mind to be able to accept that which we cannot change and change that which we can (as the saying goes).
Yes, it takes practice. But then, it takes practice to stop pulling on the reins of your horse too! Any kind of change is hard at first. It gets easier as you go. Just like with your thankful thursdays.
This is also the same for me. If I don’t look for the lesson in everything, then I don’t have any stories to write. Writing stories helps others (I hope) and, naturally, also myself.
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I am a very practical person. I remember reading something that has served me very well over the years: KISS. It is an acronym for “Keep it Simple, Stupid”.
I don’t really need to go into deep analytical thought over a bad pot of coffee. (Though over the years I’ve gotten it down to a science; and can make a damn good pot of coffee.) I would have watered the coffee down; or, if you are the type that does not care about waste; pour the coffee out and start again.
Though I do realize that your “bad coffee” is a metaphor for life’s problems; I don’t think it needs to be so complicated all the time. Sometimes one screws up and merely says, “Guess I won’t do that again.”
On the other hand, sometimes life is a bit more complicated than “positive-thinking” gurus would have you believe. You can’t always just “wish” yourself out of a situation; and thinking about it in a pleasant way really doesn’t help all that much.
You may live in a nice place; and can afford the luxury of pontificating over every decision. You may have the time to meditate over your problems and see a way out. But for millions of people around the world, life just ain’t that easy.
There are places in this world where the only thought process is getting enough food for your already-starving children to sustain them for one more day. There are mothers who hold in their arms children who are nothing more than skin and bones with distended bellies. There are wars with marauding soldiers carrying machetes that use them to kill and maim. Well, you get the idea. I don’t have to give more examples.
It seems to me very selfish to be so self-absorbed that you can only think how to make your own life easier; and have no compassion for the rest of the world.
While I have not read them all; I have read a goodly portion of your stories. They are well-written; but all I see is “me, me, me”. There is not one word about empathy or compassion; or how to make another’s day better. You never say, as Oprah has said, “Commit a random act of kindness.” I longed to see you tell us, “Go out and find something to do that makes the world a better place for someone less fortunate”. Change the world, or one small spot in it; not just yourselves; but for someone who does not have the luxuries that you have.
One other point: Mothers-in-law may be a pain in the butt; but they are no less human. You should not offer to anyone else what you would not drink yourself.
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